Tuesday, July 31, 2007
*DISCLAIMER* This post is extremely personal and I am putting it here so that you, my dear friend can know me better. I pray that it will not cause anyone to stumble but perhaps you may have felt the same way before and I just want to let you know that you are not alone in feeling what I am writing about. By exposing myself like this, I know that I will be judged by some, but I only ask for love and understanding.
I am afraid to ask this question: What does it mean to rely on God? To draw strength from Him?
By asking this question, I may reveal that beyond my ‘spiritual’ or ‘religious’ façade, I am only as close to God as the person next door is. And I can’t have that. Not as a committee member and bible study leader in OCF. I am to be seen as a person of a certain level of spiritual maturity. I dispense advice about a person’s walk with God, the to do’s and do not’s. Surely I must know the answer to that question! I tell people everyday it’s the answer to all their problems! Asking that question would just prove that I am a fake…
Would it?
Maybe…
Maybe not.
If by humbling myself, and be unconcerned about what others may think of me, I ask the question and find the answer, won’t my faith get strengthened? And the next time I tell someone to rely on God, I truly know what it means to do so.
In Christianity, we have many clichés – pray, trust God, read the bible… All these are stereotyped answers for every bible study. I think the reason why they are repeated so often is because
1) The are the fundamentals of the Christian faith
2) Many of us are just not doing enough to these!
When I asked someone what it meant to rely on God, he asked me if I prayed enough. So when is it enough? How many times should we pray a day? 3 times like Daniel or 5 times like the Muslims? How many chapters of the Bible should we read each day?
We like to quantify stuff and often it becomes pretty legalistic. But believe it or not, our God is not a legalistic God. The Jews in Jesus’ time were big on legalism – you only needed to forgive a fellow Jew 4 times and then you are free to hate him for life (ok, the Bible does not put it that way, but you get my gist). When Jesus’ disciples asked Him how many times are they to forgive their brother/fellow Jew, (hold your breath now), Jesus said seventy-seven times. Some translations say seventy times seven, that makes 490 (Matthew 18: 21-22). The thing is Jesus was not giving them a definite number, for the only way you could keep track of 77, much less 490 times you forgave a brother, is to have a logbook. Jesus meant that they will have to keep forgiving their brother.
Forgiving is not the same as condoning. Jesus does not advocate self harm by letting oneself be hurt again and again by the same person. If someone is hurting you, please do not allow yourself to be abused in any manner. However, forgiveness I believe is more for yourself than the other person. By forgiving, you are freeing yourself of whatever hold that hurt has on you. You are doing yourself a bigger favour than you are doing for that person by forgiving him/her. Withholding forgiveness leads to bitterness and many a time that will prevent you from loving others and feeling loved in return.
I see that I have gone off-tangent. Haha… Oh well, whose thoughts do not? But even though I have not fully understood what it means to rely on Him, I am learning day by day to surrender to His will. I guess the day when I surrender my all to Him and give Him full control, is the day I have learnt to rely on Him and trust Him.
Typing this at a later date, I see that I could very well have been in the shoes of one of the Pharisees during Jesus’ time. The Pharisees were a bunch of very religious people and their refusal to humble themselves caused them to miss out on eternity. Let’s not be religious about Christianity, let it be about being and not doing.
Monday, July 30, 2007
Okok, im gonna stop procrastinating as of now. I think one of the reasons why I have been pushing this off is because I know that it will be very long and that I will be at this for hours =P But it makes it worst, cuz the longer I wait, the more things I have to write and the longer I’ll write… ok. It’s a vicious cycle. So people, procrastination is not a good thing to pick up.
Let’s see, my last post was on 1 Jun. What has happened since? Lots. Haha. Hopefully I can remember everything and share with everyone.
Well, basically the whole of June, it was either preparing for the exams or having to sit for one. Had 6 papers. To those back home, it may not seem much, but with majority only having 2 or 3 papers here, 6 is a lot. Its not as though I did not have a multitude of assignments prior to the exams. It was truly a very stressful period as I have never felt so unprepared for an exam before. I am the 10-year plan girl, and it scared me terribly that I did not have the time to go through all the material for each topic at least twice before the exam.
Call me crazy, but after years of being a failure at PR skills, my security and confidence lied in my academic performance. It was not sufficient for people to tell me that I am smart, I had to work extra hard not to prove them wrong. Anyway, with everything that happened the last sem, I had to understand that I could not expect to be able to put in the same amount of preparation as I usually do. So I just did my best and let’s just say that God has been faithful. I will not, I repeat, WILL NOT fall into the trap of comparing with my other classmates because when I compare I am telling God that what He has given me is not good enough. God often gives me results that are good enough to keep me thankful and humble at the same time. I still remember the time when I got an L1R5 of 7 points and a D7 for Higher Chinese, despite studying the hardest for it. What a joke.
This brings me back to the time I was studying for my exams. A friend’s comment of being disorganized and having the wrong priorities kept ringing in my head. I worried and I questioned whether or not my decision to join OCF com was correct. What if my results suffer because of it? Then thoughts of whether to stay on in com plagued me. If I step down, is it because I am not trusting God to carry me through the responsibilities of OCF and workload of my course? Or do I want to step down because I feel that I could do more outside of com for the people that God brought into my life? I was also approached to join the com for convention, this camp that is held every year and next year in Adelaide. With so many options, I found it hard to choose. In fact, I am still unsure about my decision to stay on in the local com. But 1 thing for sure, is that wherever I choose to serve God, He will definitely be faithful. My last sem’s results are proof of it. In fact, over this couple of weeks, or months, I realized that I am thinking less about my duty as a student but about my duty as a child of God and my work for the furtherance of the kingdom. I know when I say this I will have people tell me the same thing I always told others – If God sent you here as a student, then your utmost duty here is to be a good one. And believe me, I have not forgotten that. In fact, God-willing, I intend to do my honors and eventually a PhD in my field. Have I said this before? Ok, maybe not and I can just imagine some of your thinking I really have lost my mind. Maybe, but I definitely see the need for more research in my future vocation. I digress.
The point is, I have not forgotten my duty as a student. But I recognize that I am called to be much much more than just a student who scores straight As. I can be a student who scores straight As AND reach out to the hurting AND feed the poor AND proclaim His name to the nations. This may sound impossible which probably is by human strength, but I will not be relying on my own strength but on God’s. I pray that I may not only glorify God in my grades, but in everything I do. What is the point in having excellent grades and living just for the now when I can live for eternity? I want my life now to count for eternity, because compared to our lifetime here, eternity is a long loooonnnngggg time.
Do not get me wrong when I seem to harp on how terribly busy I was last sem with things other than school work, but still managed to do really well considering circumstances. The only reason why I keep mentioning it is because I want everyone to know that it is by God’s grace and His grace alone that I pulled through. 1 Corinthians 1:31 – Let him who boasts boast in the Lord. I can recall praising Him when I was doing my readings because I had no trouble understanding what I have to learn. If He did not supply the much needed wisdom, I would definitely have had a panic-attack and freaked out before the exams. Contrary to popular belief, I do not have an IQ of 180.
I’ll stop here for now lest you ppl think you are reading a draft for an autobiography. To not make your feel so overwhelmed, I’ll be giving you the rest of the story bit by bit. I’ll be updating daily from now on, so stay tuned =)
Thanks to all the blogs i referred to (countless) for html code help :) (esp. cyn' and sixseven)
Adobe Photoshop Elements for supernatural abilities
