I'm back home to civilization! Instead of the sun, sand and sea, I stayed in the jungle for 3 days. Yep, complete with lots of mosquitoes, ants and even monkeys! The only consolation is that there was a waterfall, although I did not go into the cool, refreshing water as it was always full of malay kids, even when it was raining. When it wasn't raining, lots of malay families can be seen having picnics by the waterfall.

I stayed at Kota Tinggi Waterfall Resort, which reminds me alot of Costa Sands in Pasir Ris. The place is actually open to the public, which explains the large number of Malaysians there. I stayed in a chalet with my parents and little brother, pretty pissed over the fact that although we were promised two rooms, we were only given one, hence me and my brother had to sleep on thin mattresses on the floor. As you all know, hotels/resorts in malaysia are either new or run down as they do not bother to renovate. So, when I first arrived, I saw a rather dilapidated place with no beach and the food was mostly unpalatable. You can imagine how I felt when I reached there after a more-than-4-hour long journey.

During the 3 days, I pretty much cooped myself in the room reading because there is no reception there so I cannot watch any tv and I was at a church camp where I knew no one. Managed to finish reading this novel of the Taiwanese idol drama, Love contract, or Ai Qing He Yue. Its the first chinese book I have read in ages and I might want to watch it(yes Val, I can hear you telling me " I told you so").

Anyway, on the way back we were supposed to have 3-hr shopping in City Square, JB. However, due to the bad traffic jam, it was shortened to an hour. In order, to beat the crowd at the immigration counter, we decided to skip the shopping altogether. Afterall, there is lots to shop in Singapore and JB isn't very cheap.

Well, I guess that is all there is to my trip, and to that, "Thank God it was only 3 days!"

May your light shine...
in the darkness...

The weather is real hot today. I was drenched with sweat as I walked to work today. It has been a rough week but no worries, I am feeling much better now. NHG is offering to sponsor my nursing degree starting next year at NUS. Although I will be a year older than most of my course mates then, I hope I will be wiser and more experienced as I take the year to do some overseas volunteer work. I haven't agreed yet, but at least this gives me more time to think. My first step now would be to appeal for Medicine. It'll be such a pity if I gave up without a fight after going through the whole agonizing process. And somehow, I wished someone would tell me they made a mistake and my name is supposed to be on the list. But i am not gonna deceive myself.

I am actually considering taking Social work/psychology, if I cannot help them as a doctor, maybe I can help others as a medical social worker. Emailed NCSS about a scholarship, wonder if they would be able to offer me one at such late notice. Do not misunderstand. This is not a thought in desperation. It actually crossed my mind last year to be social worker. However, I do not really want to be in the same profession as my dad. But if that is what the Lord wants, no matter what happens, I will still land up there.

I am feeling much better these 2 days. Am heading to Kota Tinggi, JB, this weekend for a holiday. Hope there is a beach! Then I can wear my bikini to tan and swim! And pray hard my period doesn't come like it did the last time. It is late but I hope it'll hold out till I come back. Else it will really spoil my holiday. Guys, see, this is just one of the many problems we women face just so that the human race will not become extinct due to lack of procreational facilities.

To everyone who was worried for me, I think I was just overwhelmed the past week. With so many decisions and so little time, my mind just could not take it. But I am more upbeat now and hopefully God will tell me His plan for me during the holidays. Meanwhile, hope your have a fruitful weekend ahead! I will be back on Monday!

May your light shine...
in the darkness...

It has been 5 days since I got the news I did not want to hear, and every day this matter is not resolved, I feel like I am digging deeper into a hole. I am plagued by constant headaches, a reminder that my problems are still around. It feels like the more I think about it, the more unsure I am about what I want.


Thanks to the timing, I am literally thrown into the deep blue sea with no life jacket as it is too late to apply for US and UK universities. A lot of scholarships are also out of my reach unless I am willing to wait another year. But I do not know how long my A level grades will remain applicable. My dad actually said that since I do not know what I want, I might as well forget about getting a degree and just find a job. Horrors! I WANT A DEGREE! I just do not know which one...

Imagine visioning yourself as a doctor for years, you have your future all planned out, you work hard to fulfill your dreams only to find that your dreams are robbed from you. When I look ahead, I see a blank. For the first time in my life, I do not know what I want or who am I. Suddenly life seems so transient, and I feel like I could just disappear. I have never wondered so hard why am I here on earth. Why am I Lydea Gn Wei En?

It seems like with every option I consider, there is someone there discouraging me. This nursing scholarship, which I actually accepted, is for a 3 year diploma course in Ngee Ann poly, and I will be in its pioneer batch. I will also be with people, 2 years my junior. I will be totally out of place. On my way home today, I told God that if I am really not cut out to be a nurse, that if it is not my calling, then do not open a place for me. Guess what, as I was coming home, my mum's old friend called and said that she has my application right in front of her. She said that with my grades it would really be a pity for me to take up the general nursing course and asked me to reconsider. So God threw the ball backed into my court.

As for special education, my boss says that unless you really have the passion and commitment for it, you might not last long, especially since in Singapore, not much attention is given to children with special needs. And she says she doesn't think I am cut out for it cuz my initial goal was to be a doctor. Well, for medicine, the one thing stopping me is money and of course the nagging question as to whether I can be a doctor. So what is left? Social work and psychology? Business?

Everyone is bombarding me with opinions and I am tired, my parents are tired and probably my friends are tired of hearing me moan and groan. I too want it to end soon... I just do not know how to...this concerns my future.. i can't simply make any decision lest i regret for the rest of my life...God please tell me what to do.

To those who care: Do not worry, as long as there are people who love me and pray for me, I promise I will do my best not to fall apart.

May your light shine...
in the darkness...

When I look back, I see that God has been very good to me. I constantly improved my grades and got into the school I want. Although there were instances when things did not go my way like when I couldn't get into Dunman High or into the choir committee in jc, I can see the good that came out of it.

If I had not went to Anglican High or Victoria Junior College, I would not have formed so many lasting, beautiful friendships and without these friendships I will surely be an emotional wreck.

I want to thank all my friends who are standing by me during this period. Knowing you care has truly touched my heart and definitely lessened the pain and disappointment. Here, I would like to ask for your forgiveness if...

I let you down (I know some hoped I could get into NUS medicine so I will not leave Singapore)

I made you worry

I am stoning out more often than usual

I do not seem interested in your affairs

My smile doesn't seem to reach my eyes

Tears roll down my cheeks

My congratulations doesn't seem heartfelt because I am not perfect and I admit that I find it hard to be happy for another person when I am down

But I promise you, that with God's help, time and understanding, I will be able to tide thru this period of uncertainty and gloom. I know that God has a plan for me (Romans 8:28 - And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose) and may His will be done. I hope that soon I will be able to sing "It is well with my soul" with real peace and thanksgiving in my heart.

May your light shine...
in the darkness...

its times like this where i really wish i could hide myself somewhere and wish i wasnt born...

im so tired... i wish someone would tell me what i should do...

my parents are at a loss also as to what to do and i know no one except God can help me now...

i refuse to cry because i know i tried my best but sometimes trying your best doesn't get you what you want...

i ask myself in what way am i inferior to those who got into medicine. how come i wasn't selected? i want to know why although i will probably never know...

God, I know You are there. What do You want to say to me? What is it that You want to show me?

Open my eyes, that I may see You.

Open my ears, that I may hear You.

So I can do what You want me to do...

May your light shine...
in the darkness...

The letter I have been waiting for finally arrived...

Actually I got a hint of the outcome yesterday, even cried a little as I walked home and sang "O rejoice in the Lord"...

But I kept my hopes up...

I got into Business Administration.

I do not know whether that is the end of my dream to be in medicine. Should I appeal? Or study medicine elsewhere? It will be a good excuse to go overseas. But is it what the Lord wants me to do? I honestly have no idea...

I thought that the reason why I wanted to be a doctor is because the Lord gave me this calling but perhaps I thought wrong...

Now I seriously do not know what to do next. Should I take up the National Healthcare Group Scholarship for Nursing (3 yrs diploma, 1 yr conversion to degree) or take Business or Special Education, where I will get to work with children with special needs.

The thing is, do I truly have a passion for special children? Or is it because I have no other choices left?

The prospect of having to go through university and scholarship applications once more is giving me headaches. Thinking I might have to wait another year to start studying since I missed the dateline for this year's admission is enough to give me nightmares.

I'm very tired...

I almost cried today... but I told myself to be strong cuz all hope is not lost. I trust that God is in control. My prayer would be that I can hear Him and know the path to take. Just like in the song:

God never moves without pupose or plan
When trying his servant or molding a man
Give thanks to the Lord
Though your testing seems long
In darkness He giveth a song

O rejoice in the Lord, He makes no mistake
He knoweth the end of each path that I take
For when I am tried and purified
I shall come forth as gold

I could not see through the shadows ahead
So I looked at the cross of my Saviour instead
I bowed to the will of the Master that day
Then peace came and tears fled away

Noy I can see testing comes from above
God strengthens His children and purges in love
My Father knows best and I trust in His care
Through purging more fruit I will bear

May your light shine...
in the darkness...

I received a letter from PSC today with the words " We are sorry to inform you..." You get my drift... Anyway I am pretty relieved because to be honest I am seriously hoping to get into medicine and well, I am gonna wait patiently for that letter to tell me whether or not I am selected.

On the other hand, my elder bro was a lil disappointed that I did not get the scholarship because he thought I just turned down the offer to run a supermarket. You see, my bro dreams of me being a supermarket owner so that he can get free groceries and he thought PSC = Provisional Shops Corporation. You know the corp behind that variety show on Ch8 every sat night, Pu Wei Zhi Ye? Well the PSC which is offering scholarship is the Public Service Commission. I dun think you need a scholarship to run an Econ minimart.

May your light shine...
in the darkness...

Just came back from SOV'05 at the Esplanade. Real tired and tomorrow is another long day but I would like to thank all my juniors for a wonderful concert. Your sang beautifully and I thoroughly enjoyed myself except for the fact i was surrounded by ppl who had no concert etiquette, talking so loudly and giggling away. I seriously did not see anything funny about the whole concert. Sigh... hope they can't be heard on my recordings. Btw anyone who wants the mp3 for the concert can msg me. I have all songs except for No Man Is An Island.

The emcees asked for all seniors to join the choir on stage at the end of the concert to sing our choir anthem. Singing on stage again has brought back many memories and I seriously miss that feeling. Perhaps I should join chorale... but I dun wish to spend $150 or probably more on the gown just to sing once or twice... Sigh... what should I do? Headache...

May your light shine...
in the darkness...

I went for my PSC-MOH interview today. Gosh, almost forgot that I had to be there 30 mins earlier and was happily putting on makeup when I realized I was gonna be so late. I rushed there and uttered a prayer to God, asking Him to lengthen the interview before mine. Well, He did and I managed to have about 10 mins to catch my breath upon reaching City Hall.

When I entered the room, there were about 10 ppl on one side of the table and one lonely chair on the other side. There were about 8 men who looked like in their 60s or 70s. I bet they used to be some big shots in PSC. One of them, Dr Andrew Chew, started of asking me about my higher chinese and why didn't I just drop the subject. Then they went through what were my university/scholarship choices and pretty much determined I knew next to nothing regarding the course I applied for. Honestly, I think my chances of getting this scholarship is next to zero, with it lasting a mere 15 mins when I took 45 mins to reach. Sigh... what a waste of time, energy and money. Should I get it, it really must be God's way of telling me that its the career path He wants me to take.

Which brings me back to what happens if I do not get the scholarship or get into medicine. I have been contemplating taking up Special Education Teaching, which has to be taken up overseas. There are scholarships available for that, by NCSS if im not wrong, but then again the deadline for application is long gone and I seriously do not wish to drag on another year before I start school. However, one thing which I learnt so far, is that to trust God and all things will work out the way He wants them to. So I guess, I really should stop worrying... (doesn't sound that convincing huh?)

I woke up with goldfish eyes yesterday, u know those swollen eyelids that you get from crying the night before. I really have to stop the habit of reading stuff that will make me cry just before bed lest I want to look horrible the next day.

The book I was reading is called, In The Presence of My Enemies. Sounds familiar, well its a phrase taken from Psalm 23. The book is an account of the kidnapping of Martin and Gracia Burnham, American missionaries and their year of terror in the Philippine jungle, written by the latter herself. It was written in a simple, honest manner that I like and what made me borrow this book from the library is this quote found at the back of the book,

"The issue... is not why an all-powerful God might choose to subject a man to evil, but how a man, with God's help, responds to evil..."

This quote impressed me so much, I decided to read the book and was taken thru a year in captivity and the constant feeling of not knowing what happens next. The couple was taken by the Abu Sayyaf during a once-in-a-lifetime anniversary getaway and was held in captivity for a year until they were rescue. However, during the rescue mission, both were shot and Martin Burnham died.

Its amazing how his wife, recovered from the incident and lived to tell a story of pain, struggle and self discovery and at the same time learning not to blame God but to trust in Him and be thankful for every little thing, not just the good things.

I strongly recommend this book to anyone who is brave enough to look into oneself and see the ugliness of the human heart.

May your light shine...
in the darkness...

My supervisor just called and asked whether I have been to Shangrila before. Kept asking whether or not I wished to go to for the companies' Dinner and Dance. I told her I dun mind going, neither do I badly want to go. Ever since I went for my school's prom, Im no longer thrilled by the whole D&D idea. However, she kept asking until I finally said that I would like to go, she said she will pay for me. But I have to keep it a secret, cuz she say if others know she is paying for me, she will have to pay for all the others. Told my mum about it and she says that it might be because my supervisor felt I worked hard and deserved it! Yay! Anyway, Im just glad I can wear my gown again. Its been in storage since last Dec cuz I dun have any occasion to wear it. Perhaps I might get to meet some cute, young doctor. =P

Thank God that my lil bro is fine. He has been discharged and is given one wk mc. Lucky guy...

Had a long day at work, doing stuff that has been neglected for years. Gosh, wonder why they never asked for a permanent staff. Seems like my job has been done by temp staff and so a lot of things never get done as its always a different person. My supervisor says thank God that Im around. Guess there will be more work to do... my cup is literally overflowing. But its good that I have a job with its perks(the kids are so adorable, feel like bringing some home haha) so I wun complain. Tmr Channel News Asia is coming to film the centre, so before I left, the housekeeping was around polishing the floor and cleaning the place inside out. I will be there for only half a day as I have an interview in the afternoon with PSC, so hopefully they wun need me around...

May your light shine...
in the darkness...

Everyone pls pray for my lil bro, Jireh who had a fall in school today and had a blackout. He went to a GP who then referred him to KKH, where he is now. Pls pray that God will be real to him during this period of time and that all will be fine.

Im gonna declare that today is the worse day on the job ever! Sigh... made so many mistakes... got reprimanded so many times... almost feel like some airhead...

First, my supervisor was going thru my staff allowance. As a part-time staff, I am paid by the hour and I have to log in to the system to submit the number of hours. There are days where I leave 5 mins and sometimes 20 mins later than the stipulated time. As the system only allows entries with 0,15,30 or 45 mins, I collated the extra 5 mins and place them as 15 mins for one of the days. However, my supervisor said that in real life you cannot be so calculative and said from now on, should I stay later than my stipulated time, she will not pay me, unless I have been asked to stay for another half hour or so.

After that she was going through the receipts for the school fees and realized that I have written down the wrong receipt no. for some kids. This was because all the receipts were together and I mixed up the receipts for the school fees and books. When she pointed out my mistake, I really felt like I can't be any more careless.

I then went to help with the showering (drying the kids,dressing and undressing them), however not long after, my supervisor told me the books were coming (Im in charge of ordering the books). Thinking that the guy bringing the books would take some time to reach the centre, I carried on helping with the showering and had to be reminded again that the books have arrived.

I checked the books, ensured that the titles were all correct and since they were tied up in batches, I counted one title per batch, to see that I got the exact number of copies. Thinking that all was fine, I signed and stamp the invoice. After the guy left, I delivered the books to the N2 class where the teacher rechecked the books and found out that 4 copies of one of the titles were missing. I rushed back to the office and rechecked the rest of the books and found no more missing. So I called the place where I ordered the books and told them what had happened. Thankfully, they agreed to send the 4 missing copies.

While I was counting, one of the teachers came by and told me she was showering K1 and my supervisor told me that some were having water play so there weren't many kids. Thinking I wasn't needed at the showering, I continued counting my books. By the time i headed back to the toilet, my supervisor said that i was too late, they dun need my help anymore, the next time they ask me to help somewhere, i am to go immediately, or else no point...

Sigh... I have never felt so inadequate in my whole life...

May your light shine...
in the darkness...

Your dating personality profile: Big-Hearted - You are a kind and caring person. Your warmth is inviting, and your heart is a wellspring of love. Romantic - You know exactly how to melt your date's heart. Romance comes naturally to you and is an important component of any relationship you have. Religious - Faith matters to you. It is the foundation that you build your life upon. You trust that God has a plan for you.

Your date match profile: Shy - You are put off by people who are open books. You are drawn to someone who is a bit more mysterious. You want to draw him out of his shell and get to know what he is all about. Practical - You are drawn to people who are sensible and smart. Flashy, materialistic people turn you off. You appreciate the simpler side of living. Big-Hearted - You want someone compassionate, someone gentle and kind. A loving, nurturing person will fill that hole in your life.

Your Top Ten Traits 1. Big-Hearted 2. Romantic 3. Religious 4. Conservative 5. Adventurous 6. Practical 7. Intellectual 8. Wealthy/Ambitious 9. Shy 10. Athletic

Your Top Ten Match Traits 1. Shy 2. Practical 3. Big-Hearted 4. Traditional 5. Adventurous 6. Religious 7. Romantic 8. Conservative 9. Athletic 10. Intellectual

Take the Online Dating Profile Quiz at Dating Diversions

May your light shine...
in the darkness...

Just watched this... real cute - http://flash.xxflash.com/f_tm_05/6601.swf

Alrite, let me fa lao sao for a while... after the SYF on wed, me and jean went to Heeren to look for a way to spend my $20 voucher given to me on my birthday. I saw this bag, about a week ago when I was looking for Vanessa's and Chun's present. However, when I went back to buy it, it was OUT OF STOCK... sigh... that happens to me most of the time. When I finally set my mind on something, it gets out of my reach. Sadz... ok... 发牢骚完毕 (to read this, change ur encoding to unicode or chinese simplified)

Thanks to everybody who prayed for Val. Received a msg from her that she will be discharged today. Praise the Lord! You know how you pray but do not really think it will be answered. Well now I truly believe that God answers prayers and sometimes asap! I had actually planned to write Val a letter for her to read, explaining things(see previous post) which I may forget(or dun dare) to say. But now, I pray that I will find the courage to tell it to her personally.

N.B. Val, if u are reading this, I hope you dun get angry or shut me out and give me the chance to tell you things i shud have told u years ago.

May your light shine...
in the darkness...

My very good friend, Val is currently hospitalised for dengue fever. I visited her last evening and this afternoon but was unable to stay for long each time. Feel quite guilty about that cuz the first time i had to rush for tuition and the second was that she was feeling a lil sleepy by the time i arrived. BUT, this time, I prayed for her before I left.

I actually tried to share the gospel with her a few years back, when her grandma passed away, but i think she wasn't ready then and she did not want to hear what i had to say. So it has been nagging on my mind to tell her about God.

We have been friends for 7 years and she has always been there for me whenever i needed someone. Sometimes i think that when i complain so much to her, and when i tell her that God is my source of strength, im actually contradicting myself, but i hope not. Being a very independent person, I worry alot because I rely on myself alone. But I realized recently that, if i pass my burden to the Lord, things get much simpler and easier. By right, having only applied to one uni and only aiming for one course, I should be pretty jittery at this point in time. I could be but I remind myself that the Lord will open the right door for me and close the doors that were never meant for me to open, at least not now. So no point losing beauty sleep over it yea?

Being a second generation Christian, my faith has never been as strong as people like Jean, who came to know Christ on a first hand basis. My faith was actually built on my parents' and I simply obeyed my parents by going to church and attending sunday school. However, my parents said to me that God doesn't have any grandchildren, only children. Since then, I have prayed that the Lord would give me the thirst and hunger for His word as the bible seemed hard to digest. I saw my friends fervently serving the Lord and I wanted to be like them, but I found it hard to do so. Looking back, the fire to know God better and wanting to serve Him was always there, but I somehow found excuses like school to put it low on my priorities list. Now that I have no more excuses left, I am determined to let God take charge of my life from now own. Not that I will serve the Lord full time, not in the traditional sense, like what my dad hopes, but that thru me and my work later on, I might be a beacon of light to others and that I will model myself after Jesus. He is my best role model cuz He is perfect, why settle for less anyway?(btw one of the qns during the interview was who is your role model(s) and why) Dun get me wrong, I can never be perfect, but at least I can aim to be.

Anyway, I hope that I can be a good living testimony for Jesus and that Val, as well as those around me, would want to have Jesus in their lives as well. To those who already accepted their saviour, I hope your feel the same way as I do.

P.S. Val, hope you get well soon. I'll be praying for you. :)

Should have done this yesterday, but I was too tired after expanding all my nervous energy. Went for my medicine interview in the morning and later listened to the second half of the JC SYF.

I had to go thru 2 interviews. The first with 3 doctors and the second with one doctor, one nurse and a medical student. The 2 interviews lasted about 30 mins each and there wasn't a single female interviewer. Sexist.

Anyway, the first interview started with my choice of study, being so varied and what are my plans should I fail to enter medicine. One of the doctors pointed out that my personal statement actually showed that I should go into full time care-giving rather than becoming a doctor. If given a chance, would I adopt a physically or mentally disabled child. Should that happen, between taking care of the child and my duty as a doctor, how can I juggle both? They also asked about my take on the separation of the Nepalese twins, since I mentioned it catching my interest.

To answer the first question, I replied that being a doctor is more suitable for my temperament rather than a full time caregiver as that would require a lot of patience which I admit I am quite lacking. Also, I would like to explore my full potential and I believe as a doctor I can truly push myself to the limits if not I would feel very stifled. Should I adopt a physically or disabled child, I would first think clearly whether or not I can provide the care and love that the child needs, if I am unable to do so, I am not fit to adopt this child. As for the separation of the Nepalese twins, I felt that it was not wrong a decision, because if nothing was done, they would have both died, and as a doctor, shouldn't saving lives be of utmost importance? Who are we to judge that the twins are having a poor quality of life and that they are better off dead? We, who are normal, healthy human beings, have no right, to use our own standard of life as a yardstick with regards to those different from us.

alrite, enuf bout my interview. Now is time for some good news. VJC Choir is now the Choir of the Year after 16 yrs? haha... ok... got the news from my junior. Although it was not officially announced, I believe this information came from very reliable sources. Congrats to all my juniors, never doubted once that your could do it, although unfortunately i couldn't catch your performance. Nvm, just give us a good showing at esplanade for SOV this yr. Then again, even if we did not win, it doesn't make a difference as long as your did your best. This is coming from the same person who cried buckets 2 years ago at the SYF finals. It was on hindsight, that maybe it was this 'failure' that pushed the choir into working hard together, winning the gold medals in Choir Olympics last year. Anyway, that is history, the impt thing is never to rest on ur laurels and keep striving forward!

May your light shine...
in the darkness...

I found a new job in Changi General Hospital's childcare centre and have started work last thursday. My supervisor is saying once all my interviews are over (still got one this wed for medicine and another next friday for psc) she will put me full time. Yipee! after like 1 month plus being a jobless citizen with nothing to do, its great to go back to work.

The first 2 days of work were only half days. Im not yet officially employed yet actually but Im pretty busy. During the short 4 hrs that Im there, I barely have time to stone cuz therez always something to do, memos to type and emails to send. Once when the teachers were too busy, I had to help bathe the children, take off their dirty clothes and change into clean ones. Since the centre has children aged 18 mths to 6 yrs, there are some who can't wear their clothes, need help wearing diapers and they are all so adorable. They look at you with their doe-like eyes (some remind me of bambi) and some are cheerful while others are cranky and spoilt. They remind me of why I want to be a pediatrician. But my supervisor tells me it aint the best specialist to be. These days parents can be so paranoid and picky, they will drive you to the wall. I guess that's true, but then again I believe the joy and reward of taking care of children would be sufficient for me to survive thru those parents from h**.

May your light shine...
in the darkness...