Wednesday, August 30, 2006
Its been ages since I blogged. I lack the motivation to write anything down. My life has been pretty monotonous, readings and assignments. Im having a headache and trying really hard to fight off fatigue without success. It must be the flu bug. My body is working overtime to prevent me from falling sick. Doesn’t help that my mind is constantly occupied, even when im asleep.
I need rest. A real good one. I really do not know why I just can’t seem to settle down. It feels as though something is lurking at the back of my mind. Maybe its because my brain is always debating over what I should do. Should I blog or should I sleep? Should I sleep or should I watch something? Should I give my 2 cents worth of advice or should I just shut up?
You may think that coming to Australia, my mind has been brainwashed. The names God, Jesus or Holy Spirit appear in almost every conversation I have. My friends probably think I’ve become some fanatic.
I’m not sure what has come over me lately. Perhaps I have been over zealous cuz its Missions Month. Or maybe its because it has come to my realization that I have wasted too much time in the past not telling people what a wonderful God He is.
But I think what im doing is wrong. I have been too anxious telling people what the bible says that I forgot to be a friend to them. I forgot to be patient. I forgot to be loving.
If I have not been sensitive to you, please forgive me. Please understand that all I am trying to do is to point you to the answer and solution to all your questions and problems. Most importantly, I am concerned not just about your welfare, but your very life itself.
Thursday, August 03, 2006
I really got to stop this.
This meaning detaching myself from everyone back home, every time I am down under.
Its really easy to just be holed up in a whole different world.
The air is different. So are the people. Even the systems too. So you can’t really blame me.
One thing is for sure, I do not want to feel like an alien every time I go back to ol’ lil sunny Singapore.
That’s why I have a blog, to provide some sort of link back to everyone back home. I promise to come online more often at night, once I stop feeling tired at AEST 22 00. Its ridiculous I know, considering that my modal sleeping time is past midnight last time. Now I can’t even stay up to watch shows I can get hopelessly addicted on.
Ok, now for the real reason I am blogging. Been wanting to write this down when I was back in Singapore. And now I have already been back for almost 2 weeks. Can’t believe how lazy I can get.
2 friends have told me I have a good heart. That is something you do not normally say about a person. I mean not in the exact same manner and in a space of 3 weeks. Don’t get me wrong, I am not blowing my own trumpet. I truly believe that self praise is no praise. Why I mention it is because I think they are wrong.
If you got into my innermost thoughts, you will never ever think that I have a good heart. You probably would think twice about staying as my friend. I am one of the most critical and proud person I know. I have looked down on almost everybody and there is something about almost everyone that irks me. Yes, even my closest friends. And for that I am sincerely sorry and hope you all can forgive me. Oh, and I am so proud that I am proud to say I know I am proud. Hopeless right?
Now that I have people who know me relatively well thinking that I have a good heart, I think I have to add ‘good actress’ to my accolades. I absolutely despise hypocrites, but surprise, surprise, I am one myself! Which pretty much means I quite despise myself and so I have to set the record straight, before I really start hating myself.
You know all those posts aka my mini sermons? Well they are not a total lie, but neither are they the real deal. I call Jesus my best friend, but I can’t even bear to spend 1 hour out of 24 hours a day with Him! I use to give Him less than 5 mins a day, doing my quiet time before school, in exchange for my dad fetching me. Even then, my mind was not focused on Him. What kind of relationship is that? I spend tons more time in front of a screen (tv/computer), which translates to me being in love with an inanimate object.
I got to admit that all I have is really head knowledge and not heart knowledge. I know Jesus is loving and perfect, the best friend anyone can ever have, so why doesn’t that make me want to spend more time with Him, knowing Him intimately and obeying His will?
Would like to blame it on the devil, for giving me so many temptations. But I think I shouldn’t give him so much credit. Even if he was responsible, it is only because God allowed it. Saying that the spirit is willing but the flesh is weak is a pathetic excuse. Well any excuse is nonsense when compared to what Christ went through for us. Imagine our future if Christ decided not to die on the cross for us, especially since so many of us are so ungrateful for it or not even willing to acknowledge His act of grace. Eternal separation from God and damnation without relief in hell. That is one scary thought, but it’s the truth. Knowing that is what lies beyond, I would definitely fear death. But salvation is available to us all, thank God for that, and I am sure I want it. However, if I am truly saved, shouldn’t I be devoting my entire life to Him? Why is it I am finding it so hard to do so?
For years I have struggled with this and although I have not yet found the answer, I am hoping that disciplining myself would help. Not that spending time with God is an obligation, its not, I really want to WANT being near Him. Let’s say I’m cultivating a new habit, a good one =) This includes setting aside at least 1 hour, hopefully this will get longer as time goes, but minimum 1 hour to read the Word (attempting to finish reading the bible in a year) and pray (so if you have any prayer points do feel free to drop me an email, would love to pray for you, not that I need an excuse to talk to God but it’ll help). And dear friends, please pray for me too, I need all the support I can get.
P.S. Sorry for another such long winded post, I’ll try harder to keep it short :P.
Thanks to all the blogs i referred to (countless) for html code help :) (esp. cyn' and sixseven)
Adobe Photoshop Elements for supernatural abilities
