~May Your Light Shine :D~

Sunday, March 19, 2006

I really shouldn’t be writing this now when I ought to get started with my Anatomy and Physiology assignment. But I just have to before I forget. Esp since forgetting some stuff has led me to where I am today.

Looking at my Johari window, I realized that my friends think I am religious when I absolutely think I am not. Not because it would make me sound goody-two-shoes, but because it’s the truth. Perhaps outwardly I may seem to be religious to some, however deep inside I know its just a lie. Maybe I managed to fool some of you, or even myself, but God knows the truth. All along I only went through the notions of saying grace before meals (sometimes forgetting), doing quiet time (because my dad wouldn’t fetch me to school if I didn’t do so early in the morning) and going to church (to appease my dad as well). For the past 20 years, there have been minor miracles in my life. Unfortunately, due to the course of time, I can only recall one, when I thought I lost my whole set of textbooks for good and someone found them & had them returned to me.

Having grown up in a Christian family, I never really experienced the shame of being a sinner with God’s saving grace, and certain Christian values have just been unconsciously accepted as a lifestyle. As such, I have been coldly indifferent to godly teachings and ministry.

I remember when I was 12, seeing some friends being so passionate about God, I was jealous of their zealousness. I called out to God to help me love Him, but my plea seem to have felled on deaf ears. There were times I asked God to show Himself to me, that I may know Him more intimately. Not that I do not believe Him, even my scientific/logical reasoning brain concludes that there has to be a higher being out there but sometimes head knowledge does not translate to heart knowledge. I longed for a childlike faith but circumstances made it difficult. I was in some sense of the word, jaded.

Today, I attended Southside church aka Edge, a contemporary charismatic congregation, complete with jumping choir without the praying in tongues. For some unexplainable reason, I was close to breaking down once and shed tears twice. One of the worship leaders shared about a miracle, a 21 year old girl who could have been aborted at 13 weeks in gestation due to a heart defect, whom doctors said she will never walk, run, do well academically or live long, yet is the only one in her course doing her honours concurrently with her undergraduate degree. The pastor asked how is it possible that we have one miracle, yet see so many unanswered prayers (someone’s daughter just passed away, while another girl is in hospital and just underwent an operation). As the pastor closed, we sang this song that goes “God He reigns, God He reigns. Holy is the Lord of Heavens. God He reigns, God He reigns. Forevermore…” As I sang this, tears uncontrollably rolled down. All these years, I acted like He did not exist, but He not only exists, but reigns forevermore. Despite the fact that there is much suffering all over the world, enough to make one wonder how can there be a god. But who are we to demand that He shows He cares, when He made the ultimate sacrifice when He sent His Son down to die on the cross for OUR SINS. How could I have marginalized His presence, when He is the very reason I live? That thought almost brought me to my knees as I realized what a sinner I am. But thank God, He still loves me, and He reigns. My God reigns…

Lydea blogged at 3:20 PM

May your light shine...
in the darkness...