~May Your Light Shine :D~

Thursday, July 28, 2005

WARNING: ONLY FOR MATURE AUDIENCE AGED 18 AND ABOVE. READING THIS POST MIGHT CAUSE SHOCK THAT WILL RESULT IN HEART PALPITATIONS, SHORTNESS OF BREATH, INCREASE IN BLOOD PRESSURE, DIZZY SPELLS AND EVEN LOSS OF CONSCIOUSNESS.

Last night, I asked a friend, "Is God real to you?" Immediately after I asked, I realized I myself have never seriously thought about that question, and the more I thought about it, the more depressed I became.

Coming from a Christian family, I was brought up in an environment, where bible values were taught and carried out. Unlike first generation Christians, I did not have to find my faith, but rather I was 'born' into it. I attended Sunday school regularly and was baptized the year I turned 6. However, as I grew older, things changed, and I found myself drifting away from God. No matter how I tried and prayed, I just could not get excited over God's word or doing His work.

When I was 10, my family and I were 'thrown out' of the very church my father helped to plant. My parents were betrayed by people who have known them for years. I never saw the friends I played with every Sunday for 4 years again. At the same time, my best friend then of 5 years stopped talking to me, and eventually left me.

All throughout secondary school and even in junior college, my family and I moved from church to church. There was once when I thought we could finally settle down, but I was wrong. I was secretly envious of those who had so much passion and zest for the Lord. I sometimes acted 'holier-than-thou', dismissing their acts of service for the Lord as naive, thinking they could only be so passionate in serving Christ because they do not know the ugly truth of Christians. Their world is pretty perfect, their faith haven't been tested, they are still very much like children.

Even now, watching TV or reading a book, takes precedence over spending time with God. He is very real in times of trouble and despair, when I cry out for help, but when the storm has been calmed, God is sadly, the last thing on my mind. I am not saying this proudly, in fact I am ashamed. I may have been a Christian all my life, but spiritually I am very much an infant.

To those who are close to me, these are some of the skeletons in my closet. Surprised? (this is what the warning is for) Well, I may be an open book, but some pages have never been read.

I know I cannot blame what happened in the past for the state my relationship with God is in. Neither should I put down those who are diligently serving the Lord, rather I should encourage them. I have taken up a bible study lately, read more Christian books and am going to be involved in carolling with a Christian organisation, all in a bid to draw closer to God. All is not lost, as with God, nothing is impossible. I believe, slowly but surely, I will come to love God the way He intended me to, for "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me!" - Philippians 4:13.

My only regret now, is that in my struggles, I have not been able to help my friends to the best of their interests, and I apologize if I have in any way, caused any of you to stumble in your walk with God, or led you to believe that my God isn't as perfect as we claim. I truly hope to be a vessel for Christ, and that God will use me to reach out to my friends and others, for the main purpose we are here on Earth, is to recover those that are lost.

Lydea blogged at 1:27 AM

May your light shine...
in the darkness...