Thursday, July 28, 2005
WARNING: ONLY FOR MATURE AUDIENCE AGED 18 AND ABOVE. READING THIS POST MIGHT CAUSE SHOCK THAT WILL RESULT IN HEART PALPITATIONS, SHORTNESS OF BREATH, INCREASE IN BLOOD PRESSURE, DIZZY SPELLS AND EVEN LOSS OF CONSCIOUSNESS.
Last night, I asked a friend, "Is God real to you?" Immediately after I asked, I realized I myself have never seriously thought about that question, and the more I thought about it, the more depressed I became.
Coming from a Christian family, I was brought up in an environment, where bible values were taught and carried out. Unlike first generation Christians, I did not have to find my faith, but rather I was 'born' into it. I attended Sunday school regularly and was baptized the year I turned 6. However, as I grew older, things changed, and I found myself drifting away from God. No matter how I tried and prayed, I just could not get excited over God's word or doing His work.
When I was 10, my family and I were 'thrown out' of the very church my father helped to plant. My parents were betrayed by people who have known them for years. I never saw the friends I played with every Sunday for 4 years again. At the same time, my best friend then of 5 years stopped talking to me, and eventually left me.
All throughout secondary school and even in junior college, my family and I moved from church to church. There was once when I thought we could finally settle down, but I was wrong. I was secretly envious of those who had so much passion and zest for the Lord. I sometimes acted 'holier-than-thou', dismissing their acts of service for the Lord as naive, thinking they could only be so passionate in serving Christ because they do not know the ugly truth of Christians. Their world is pretty perfect, their faith haven't been tested, they are still very much like children.
Even now, watching TV or reading a book, takes precedence over spending time with God. He is very real in times of trouble and despair, when I cry out for help, but when the storm has been calmed, God is sadly, the last thing on my mind. I am not saying this proudly, in fact I am ashamed. I may have been a Christian all my life, but spiritually I am very much an infant.
To those who are close to me, these are some of the skeletons in my closet. Surprised? (this is what the warning is for) Well, I may be an open book, but some pages have never been read.
I know I cannot blame what happened in the past for the state my relationship with God is in. Neither should I put down those who are diligently serving the Lord, rather I should encourage them. I have taken up a bible study lately, read more Christian books and am going to be involved in carolling with a Christian organisation, all in a bid to draw closer to God. All is not lost, as with God, nothing is impossible. I believe, slowly but surely, I will come to love God the way He intended me to, for "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me!" - Philippians 4:13.
My only regret now, is that in my struggles, I have not been able to help my friends to the best of their interests, and I apologize if I have in any way, caused any of you to stumble in your walk with God, or led you to believe that my God isn't as perfect as we claim. I truly hope to be a vessel for Christ, and that God will use me to reach out to my friends and others, for the main purpose we are here on Earth, is to recover those that are lost.
Sunday, July 24, 2005
Do you see the Bible as this book of rules, and that as a Christian, there are many things you cannot do? When you compare yourself before and after conversion, do you remember (with a tinge a regret) the things you used to do?
Preachers speak about how being a Christian liberates us from sin. However, I used to think that other than freedom from the bondage of sin, we as Christians are not allowed to do alot of stuff, like drink excessively(its bad for the liver btw), smoke (hurts your lungs, increase chances of stroke), tattoo our bodies (yesh, you cannot even tattoo the cross or "JESUS"), swear/curse or watch porn, just to name a few. Majority will agree that all these are not healthy to start with, but to many youngsters, just the thought that one is prohibited to do those, is stifling.
Today, I was enlightened during sermon. Our preacher this morning posed us the question: "Who is free? A person on earth, bounded by gravity and friction? Or an astronaut in outer space, who experience zero gravity? Can you play a game of soccer, if players could move the goal post wherever they liked, whenever they wanted?" You see, it is because of certain laws and rules, that makes us free to roam the earth and play a game properly. Likewise, we are free, because the Word of God grounds us with the law of liberty. Sounds like an oxymoron? Well, life is full of contradictions.
Wednesday, July 20, 2005
Food for thought:Do They See Jesus In Me?*Is the face that I see in the mirrorThe one I want others to see Do I show in the way that I walk in my life The love that You've given to me My heart desires to be like You In all that I do all that I am *Do they see Jesus in meDo they recognize Your face Do I communicate Your love And your grace Do I reflect who You are In the way I choose to be Do they see Jesus Jesus in me*It's amazing that You'd ever use me But use me the way You will Help me to hold out a heart of compassion and grace A heart that Your spirit fills May I show forgiveness and mercy The same way You've shown them to me *Well I wanna show all the world That You are the reason I live and breathe So You'll be the one that they see When they see me Song by Tong En.
I finally finished watching xenosaga. Thanks leslie for lending it to me and so sorry I took so long to watch it.
Well, its a real beautiful anime with its fair share of light moments. However, the actual storyline is pretty sad and talks about a world which destroyed itself. If you sci-fi movies about robots, this is something like it. How, when robots have such an acute artificial intelligence, the line between robot and human gets blurred. And yesh, a robot has to look out for the welfare of humans over its own.
Despite it being only 12 episodes long, the show is pretty confusing with many fanciful terms and characters such as Gnosis (a type of alien made up of NaCl, which appear like phantoms without the Hilbert effect), designer children and Realians (a type of robot very similar to a human being). Even at the second last episode, I believe a new term was introduced. I suppose its one of those adult anime that kids will not understand as my little brother kept asking questions.
Which leads me to a question, what happens to the Zohar? The thing that supposedly draws all the Gnosis to our side of the universe like bees to honey and what of the emulators (counterfeit Zohars, but still just as danderous)? Also, what exactly is KOS-MOS, besides being a weapon?
Lost? So am I... =P
Tuesday, July 19, 2005
Today, me and val were headed down to nsrcc, only to find that the place was under renovation. By the time we found our way to the pool, it was still being cleaned and before we knew it, it started to rain. Thus, we decided to take a bath and go shopping. However, when we came out, we realised the shuttle bus just left and the next bus would only come 2 hours later. So we called a taxi, but thankfully, a taxi drove in (the place is very out of the way, you can't simply walk out to take a cab or bus) so we did not have to pay for the extra booking fee. All in all, my dearest friend was feeling pretty lousy and as she does not have the mood to blog this down, I am doing the honours.
To be honest, I was not upset over what happened. Even though it did seem like a waste of time and money taking the mrt to Tanah Merah and later having to pay for the cab. I guess I am no longer so money minded as I used to be. Last time, I was very particular as to how I spend my money. Perhaps it is because I have more spending power now, but I just quit my job so it shouldn't be that. Then, I thought again and felt maybe now I do not see the need to hoard my money, as it is only temporal. No matter how much money you have in a bank, you cannot bring it up to heaven with you when you die. And up there, you have no need for those paper, as even the roads are paved with gold.
Anyway, in the evening, I had an insightful bible study with jean and my mom. Pondered upon some pertinent questions that I probably will only know the answers when I meet God and ask Him myself. Sorry jean if I planted those disturbing thoughts, hope you have a good night sleep tonight.
One thing I have learnt is that we should not be afraid to doubt God and ask questions. Because once we find the answers to those questions, our faith is reaffirmed and strengthened. Thru asking for His wisdom, we know more about Him and love Him more. So fellow brothers and sisters in Christ, should your have a question, do not hesitate to ask your pastor or an older brother and sister in Christ, for 'ask and it shall be given, seek and ye shall find'.
Sunday, July 17, 2005
Boy, am I glad that I blogged when I did beause not long after that, my computer broke down. The screen just blacked out and it was all my older brother's fault for playing the computer the whole entire day.
Sigh... I had so much to say, but now am at a lost as to where to start.
Ok, first I would like to thank all my friends who have been praying for me and with me these few months. It seems like our prayers have been answered. Yes, I got an offer from Flinders to study speech therapy, the same university as a few of my friends are going to. However, I have yet to hear from NCSS, the organisation I am hoping to get a scholarship from. So, I am not definitely heading to Flinders at the moment, but the possibility is about 80%. When I told my dad the whole course plus expenses would cost about $120 000, he said he could only comfortably foot half of that. So I guess I will be scouting around for sponsors or if anyone knows of a good study loan, please inform me.
I quit my job 2 days ago. After 3 months of admin work, I realized I really am not cut out for a desk job. No doubt the kids are wonderful, and I find myself missing them already, I really am not ready to head back to another admin job which I was offered for a monthly pay of $1600, at a bank in Dhoby Ghaut. It is a pretty good deal, it is to start from now to next year March. But I am a little scared of admin work now so should any of you be interested, feel free to let me know.
If you have been following the news lately, you would have realized the latest controversy to hit the newstands is regarding NKF. Gosh, Davinder Singh is my hero. I just love the way he pushes T.T. Durai into a corner. Someone should have done it long ago. I really do feel sad for the number of people, who gave out of the goodness of their heart even when they are not that well-to-do, only to find out that a lot of the donations went to first-class tickets and gold-plated taps. Its amazing, how they manage to deceive the public time and again without gettting caught. I think its a criminal offense by grossly understating how long their reserves could last (3 decades as opposed to 3 years) as well as the overstating the number of patients they are helping. Oh, the injustice.
But then again, I never donated to NKF and I honestly do not care about those people who donated mainly for the sake of a chance to win a car or cash prize. I am not surprised that if NKF continues to accept donations with prizes as a bait, there will still be people who will 'donate'. However, let us not forget that NKF has indeed help some people and that we should not treat all charity bodies with scorn and suspicion. Else, what will happen to all the needy and less fortunate out there? We should be more careful with how we part our money and if we really want to make a difference, I believe volunteering would be a good alternative.
Tuesday, July 05, 2005
SAWASDEE!
I just arrived from Bangkok less than 24 hours ago and I am totally drained from the trip. My boss thought I just lost the love of my life as I looked so spaced out. At least I did everything I had to do even as my brain was close to shutting down mode. Yawnz...
However, I guess I better blog before I forget.
Upon touch down, the first place we went was World Trade Centre - Isetan, to buy bra. Sounds weird? Not exactly, if you went with a bunch of aunties my mum and grandmother's age. The underwear over there is cheaper than in Singapore, so if any of you happen to eye some Triumph sloggi or something and plan to head to Bangkok, do make use of the exchange rate. The first night, we went to Chinatown to buy the pork floss my dad ordered. Thank goodness we found someone who could direct us to the shop because the taxi driver did not know where to go. And I had to lug 6kg of pork floss to eat a bowl of bird's nest for SGD$8. I was really grateful for the cooling desert but to be honest, the bird's nest my mum cooks occasionally is nicer.
The second day, we woke up real early, 5am local time, to head down to Jatujak market, the famous Thailand weekend market. At first, the place looks deceptively small, but once you start walking, the whole place is a maze. We walked for almost 8 hours straight, stopping once to have lunch and we still could not cover the whole place. The older folks couldn't take it and left early, and my grandmother even developed leg cramps. It was really hot and stuffy, plus the crowds, made the experience a little claustrophobic. However, if you are looking for cheap handicrafts and home decor, Jatujak is the place for you. The clothes and accessories are really not my style, too loud and colourful, although they are my size.
As I was looking forward to buying new clothes, I was a little disappointed. Also, I had quite a lot of money left at the end of the second day. Thankfully, on the last day, we went to Pratunam wholesale market and Indra square, which was just a 15 min walk from the hotel we stayed in - Bangkok palace. Clothes there were not very cheap unless you bought more than 3 pieces but I managed to buy a white cordrouy bolero for B$250 as well as the DVDs my brother wanted. Soon I realised I only had B$150 left, and I remembered I wanted to buy a skirt which cost B$220. As I was all alone, I decided to use to my debit card to draw money. I drew out B$100 only to find out the service charge was B$150. Lol... In the end, I felt that the skirt was too short and did not buy it. Lol...
After that, I waited for 3 hours at the hotel lobby as the others were too tired to go anywhere else. We then found out that our flight was delayed for an hour as the flight was not fully booked. Sigh... Waiting can be tiring. At the airport, we waited somemore and I spent my last B$250 on some juices/smoothies for myself and my cousin. It is pretty expensive, but I have no use for Thai baht either.
The plane took a long while before takeoff as it was raining, so in the end I reached Singapore 2 hrs later than expected. By the time I unpacked and took a shower, it was past midnight. My bed never felt so good =) In fact, I am yearning for it right now. But I will catch Youfu first! Tata!
Thanks to all the blogs i referred to (countless) for html code help :) (esp. cyn' and sixseven)
Adobe Photoshop Elements for supernatural abilities
