~May Your Light Shine :D~

Monday, June 13, 2005

For the first time in my life, I truly have let myself down.

After all the practices, I still screwed up my exam. Sigh... Started with scales, my hands were a little unsure of themselves, made mistakes on every try. The examiner asked for contrary motion that I was told was not tested and left me a bit stunned.

Then came my choice pieces, not too sure how I did for the set piece. Cuz the examiner kept exclaiming that the moving of my left hand from the lower keyboard to the upper keyboard was a very advanced technique. I do not know whether it was because he was impressed or I did not perform it with enough finesse. By right, I had memorised my pieces like the back of my hand, but halfway thru the second song, I totally forgot how to play. It was as though my hands suddenly did not know what notes to press and I had to get my score from the examiner. He later commented I should add some swing to the second piece but praised my style for the last piece.

Was pretty pleased with my sight reading, no doubt imperfect, it was definitely better than my grade 3. Weird, back then I passed everything except sight reading with flying colours. Now, I am not too sure if I can even pass the whole exam...Guess it is all in God's hands now... Just felt that all the money and practice put into all these has been futile...

I watched Mr & Mrs Smith after that, waited for Xiuting, who was pretty late. However, thanks to the long commercial introduction, we still managed to catch our breath and the whole movie. A pretty funny movie, only problem is that they make light of murder, like it is just a job to be done.

Later, I strolled along Heeren and spotted the bag I wanted about a month ago. Not too sure it was the same bag, because I remembered it had brown stripes and this one has maroon ones, but the design and rest of the colours were still the same. I wasn't all too elated to see the bag though, guess the initial excitement just wore off. (Been thinking that I am probably one of those with short attention span, not able to hold my enthusiasm for anything for long). I took another round around the shops and after deciding there is nothing else on which I can spend my $20 voucher given to me on my birthday, I went ahead and bought the bag. Still do not feel that great about getting it, pretty numb, but I reasoned it would make a good bag for university, nice size and pattern - pretty and feminine. (Hey, even though Im not sure where I am heading, I most definitely am going to further my studies. So I will still need a bag right?)

Been in a mental daze recently. Like everything is stagnant and I really do not wish to think about anything serious or life changing but I know I have to. I feel like I am suspended in a mid-air dilemma. I have learnt quite a lot about myself, lots of flaws really - like I am not a know-it-all, even though I often act that part. I am a really selfish and shallow person and I guess my want to work in a so-called noble job is so that I can hide that part of me, at the same time, 'show-off' to others how noble I am. (Bet you did not know that, I must be a really good actress) Meanwhile, I have also noticed the strengths of others, such that people are willing to help me out in my time of need or encourage me by telling me not to give up hope. I do not know if I would do the same if I were them.However, I am grateful that this experience has let me feel the love and care others have for me, an indication that God is up there looking out for me. Now I know that I would do the same for another person in my shoes because I know it would really give that person the kind of support he or she needs.

Lydea blogged at 10:23 PM

May your light shine...
in the darkness...