~May Your Light Shine :D~

Wednesday, May 25, 2005

It has been 5 days since I got the news I did not want to hear, and every day this matter is not resolved, I feel like I am digging deeper into a hole. I am plagued by constant headaches, a reminder that my problems are still around. It feels like the more I think about it, the more unsure I am about what I want.

Thanks to the timing, I am literally thrown into the deep blue sea with no life jacket as it is too late to apply for US and UK universities. A lot of scholarships are also out of my reach unless I am willing to wait another year. But I do not know how long my A level grades will remain applicable. My dad actually said that since I do not know what I want, I might as well forget about getting a degree and just find a job. Horrors! I WANT A DEGREE! I just do not know which one...

Imagine visioning yourself as a doctor for years, you have your future all planned out, you work hard to fulfill your dreams only to find that your dreams are robbed from you. When I look ahead, I see a blank. For the first time in my life, I do not know what I want or who am I. Suddenly life seems so transient, and I feel like I could just disappear. I have never wondered so hard why am I here on earth. Why am I Lydea Gn Wei En?

It seems like with every option I consider, there is someone there discouraging me. This nursing scholarship, which I actually accepted, is for a 3 year diploma course in Ngee Ann poly, and I will be in its pioneer batch. I will also be with people, 2 years my junior. I will be totally out of place. On my way home today, I told God that if I am really not cut out to be a nurse, that if it is not my calling, then do not open a place for me. Guess what, as I was coming home, my mum's old friend called and said that she has my application right in front of her. She said that with my grades it would really be a pity for me to take up the general nursing course and asked me to reconsider. So God threw the ball backed into my court.

As for special education, my boss says that unless you really have the passion and commitment for it, you might not last long, especially since in Singapore, not much attention is given to children with special needs. And she says she doesn't think I am cut out for it cuz my initial goal was to be a doctor. Well, for medicine, the one thing stopping me is money and of course the nagging question as to whether I can be a doctor. So what is left? Social work and psychology? Business?

Everyone is bombarding me with opinions and I am tired, my parents are tired and probably my friends are tired of hearing me moan and groan. I too want it to end soon... I just do not know how to...this concerns my future.. i can't simply make any decision lest i regret for the rest of my life...God please tell me what to do.

To those who care: Do not worry, as long as there are people who love me and pray for me, I promise I will do my best not to fall apart.

Lydea blogged at 11:24 PM

May your light shine...
in the darkness...